“I would stand toe to toe with anyone who dare suggest you are phoning in this clockwatch,” says Ian Copestake, “but are you perhaps being informed of the details by people phoning them in to you?”
I’M A LAW-ABIDING CITIZEN!
Brighton 0-1 Everton It sounds like Everton are under a lot of pressure at the Amex Stadium, where Jordan Pickford has made a fine save from Pascal Gross’s deflected free-kick.
West Ham 1-0 Crystal Palace Said Benrahma has missed a good chance, shooting straight at Vicente Guaita.
“I don’t know how you’ve managed to not mention the assist by Troy Parrott for MK Dons today,” says Niall Mullen. “The young Irishman is tearing it up in League 1. Perhaps City went in for the wrong Tottenham striker?”
WHY IS EVERYONE APART FROM ME WATCHING LIVE FOOTBALL?
Peep peep! It’s half time in the 3pm kick-offs, and here are the scores in our featured matches:
“Antonio and Fornals have just Romario and Bebeto’d West Ham into the lead!” says Neill Brown. It sounds like a pretty glorious goal, eh.
GOAL! Brighton 0-1 Everton (Gray 41)
Everton lead at the Amex Stadium! Demarai Gray, an early contender for bargain of the season, has scored another fine goal to put them ahead.
GOAL! Norwich 1-1 Leicester (Pukki 44 pen)
Norwich equalise with a controversial penalty, tucked away by Teemu Pukki.
GOAL! West Ham 1-0 Crystal Palace (Fornals 39)
West Ham take the lead with a beautifully worked goal. Pablo Fornals and Michail Antonio sliced the Palace defence open, allowing Fornals to score from close range. I think.
Brighton 0-0 Everton “I would love to send you anadjective-laden description of the lovely football being displayed in the Everton match,” says Mary Waltz, “but it has largely been a lot of pointless knocking about leading to nothing.”
At least you can still take the positives.
Aston Villa 1-1 Brentford Rico Henry has missed a really good chance for Brentford, shooting wide from Ivan Toney’s pass. Apparently.
West Ham 0-0 Crystal Palace West Ham are on top, and Clinton Morrison on Sky Sports reckons it’s a matter of time before they score.
Brighton 0-0 Everton Andros Townsend has been denied by a smart save from Brighton keeper Robert Sanchez, it says here.
Newcastle 0-0 Southampton Moussa Djenepo has just missed an open goal for Southampton, who are well on top at St James’ Park. It sounds like the attacking right-back Tino Livramento is having another cracking game.
Aston Villa 1-1 Brentford The 3pm games aren’t televised in England, so we’re not able to see any of the goals. But I’ve tried to imagine Emi Buendia’s equaliser based on the various descriptions online. In my head, Danny Ings played a one-two on the led and fed the ball into Buendia in the D. He controlled the ball with a Cruyff turn, had another touch and then flashed a shot into the far corner. That’s how I imagine it, anyway.
Aston Villa 1-1 Brentford I’ve just seen Ivan Toney’s goal, which came to me in a daydream. It was a lovely finish, sidefooted nonchalantly into the top corner when the ball was rolled across the area.
“I’m an Arsenal fan and still like football,” REVEALS Neill Brown. “As I’m overseas, I have the (legal) pick of 3pm kick off’s to watch and I’ve opted for West Ham v Palace. Forgive me if I have a short memory but the Hammers fans love their new stadium, don’t they? What a lovely, positive atmosphere.”
GOAL! Aston Villa 1-1 Brentford (Buendia 13)
Emi Buendia equalises with an outstanding goal, his first for Villa.
Norwich 0-1 Leicester This is a worry for Leicester: Ricardo, who was out for a long time last year with a knee injury, has gone off with what looks like the same problem. Timothy Castagne has replaced him. Leicester have been desperately unlucky with injuries since the start of the last season.
GOAL! Norwich 0-1 Leicester (Vardy 8)
A mistake from the debutant Brandon Williams leads to an early goal for Jamie Vardy, finished emphatically from Ricardo’s cross, it says here.
GOAL! Aston Villa 0-1 Brentford (Toney 7)
Ivan Toney has scored his first Premier League goal to give Brentford the lead at Villa Park. It was a beauty, by all accounts, sidefooted into the top corner.
GOAL! Fulham 1-0 Stoke (Wilson 5)
Harry Wilson has given Fulham an early lead in the top-of-the-table match at Craven Cottage.
And here are highlights of the aforementioned mismatch at the Etihad
Peep peep! The 3pms are under way, and here are the latest scores in our featured games:
Here’s Richard Jolly’s report on a miserable afternoon for Arsenal Football Club
“Everton have not won away to Brighton since Kevin Sheedyy scored a brace in April 1983,” says Matt Burtz. “It’s not quite as bad as it looks due to the two clubs not being in the same league for most of that time, but all streaks have to come to an end at some point, right?”
Championship The other lunchtime kick-off has finished Cardiff 1-2 Bristol City. Andreas Weimann scored both goals for Bristol City, who have won at Cardiff for the third season in a row.
Full time: Derby 1-1 Nottingham Forest
The kind of result that saves a manager from the sacked. Brennan Johnson’s late equaliser for Nottingham Forest in an intense, emotional derby may have saved Chris Hughton’s job.
Full time: Manchester City 5-0 Arsenal The kind of the result that gets a manager sacked. With friends like Pep, who needs friends?
“Afternoon Rob,” says Simon McMahon. “ Game of the day in Scotland is at Tannadice, where former United and now Hearts manager Robbie Neilson will be assured of a ‘warm’ welcome from the United fans on an absolutely glorious day in Dundee. United are aiming for their third league win on the bounce which hasn’t happened since, well, the last time they did it.
“Today’s other Scottish Premier fixtures are Hibs v Livingston and Motherwell v Dundee, while tomorrow sees the battle for the minor places intensify as Rangers host Celtic. Kilmarnock v Inverness is the pick of the games in the Scottish Championship.”
There’s been a fifth goal at the Etihad. I won’t insult your intelligence by telling you which team has scored it.
GOAL! Derby 1-1 Nottingham Forest (Johnson 82)
Forest have equalised with eight minutes remaining! A left-wing cross bounced across the area to Brennan Johnson, who rattled a low shot that squirmed through the diving Roos.
77 min: Derby 1-0 Nottingham Forest Still 1-0 to Derby, as you’ll know having read the scoreline at the start of this entry. But both teams have had chances in the last few minutes. Jack Stretton’s close-range shot was going in until it took a slight deflection off the knee of Scott McKenna, and at the other end Lewis Grabban’s clever flick was well saved by Kelle Roos.
We’ll have team news for the 3pm games shortly. In the Championship, it’s still Wayne Rooney’s Derby County 1-0 Nottingham Forest with half an hour remaining.
Get your squad sheets here
There’s been a fourth goal at the Etihad. I won’t insult your intelligence by telling you which team has scored it.
Manchester City 3-0 Arsenal Ilkay Gundogan, Ferran Torres and Gabriel Jesus all scored as City took Arsenal apart in the first half. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Granit Xhaka was sent off for a tackle on Joao Cancelo.
Those of a sadistic disposition can follow the second half with Will Unwin.
Derby 1-0 Nottingham Forest Tom Lawrence’s goal has put Derby ahead at half-time in the East Midlands derby. It was made by a cracking pass from Craig Forsyth – but he was pretty lucky to still be on the pitch after plunging his studs into Philip Zinckernagel’s testicles. None of the officials saw the incident.
Hello and welcome to another busy Saturday afternoon clockwatch. We’ll be concentrating on the five 3pm kick-offs in the Premier League and a handful of matches in the Championship. The headline game is at the London Stadium: West Ham United, who were top of the table before the Arsenal roadshow arrived in Manchester at lunchtime, play Crystal Palace.
Brighton, another team who have started the season with two wins, are at home to Everton –and if that match is half as exciting as last season’s corresponding fixture, we’re all in serious trouble.
Aston Villa manager Dean Smith will come up against his old club Brentford, Newcastle host Southampton and Norwich’s unfriendly start to the season continues with a visit from Leicester.
These are our featured games, all 3pm kick-offs unless stated.